All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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