Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
