I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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