I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
