At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
