At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
