her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
