How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
