my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
