She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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