What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you had me at cake vodka
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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