I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
