i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
