I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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