he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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