there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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