I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
