dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
