remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
