tell your sister to shave her snatch
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
