I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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