If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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