Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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