James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
