His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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