I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
