Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
