So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
foreskin is a definite game changer
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
