If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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