just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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