Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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