I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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