I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
