you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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