I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
