please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
