i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
