Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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