But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
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