Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize