i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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