I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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