Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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