Don't make out with my wife yet
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
