it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
