i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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