I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
