I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
