I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
