its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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