Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She even gives head with a lisp.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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