sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
