I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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