I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
