The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Im part way to drunk.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
