I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
