dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
