I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
